This...

[Rio7Nagava]

For as gloom as i may be, i still have a reason to laugh.
Sometimes it's Bash, sometimes it YouTube - right now it's Grave.

But as i laugh, i also feel that eternal sadness, that's not going away.
I'm stupid, for giving up on myself. I wish he and i... She and i met a little earlier. In person.
She is giving me a good reason to be ashamed, i was ashamed, i am ashamed, i will be ashamed.
I knew that before she came here.
Because there is two... erm... four things that can make me move. Shame, Fear, Lust and something else - Power. But as i beleive - Power - is what going to end my... This idiotic fail at life that i lead. For i have strong faith, or rather Acceptance - that i will change with it.

But as hypocritc i am, i'm willing to cry, when she slams the door in front of my face, when she pushes me away.
For she knows how wretched i am, how dirty my mind is, how perverted i am.
And as she knows, she almost can't see other me, that desires it not out of naughtyness, but out of admireship, curiosity that killed the cat, and for the satisfaction that brought cat back from the dead.

I live... no... i exist, i was born to wear masks. And as some i can't take off anymore, i still can add new.
I wish to feel again, as i pretend to feel. As these feelings is going away, further and further...
I wish to feel sunlight on my skin, i wish to feel the breeze. I wish to feel her hand on mine.
I wish to be worth of her, and others.
I wish to be worth of honor, to enter sacred land of Arcania. To earn Axel, or Alice.
I wish to wish.
I wish to have serenity.
I wish to understand her, to be there for her, to help her any way possible.
And i gave her my vow, that shall i aquire the Power. I will come to her, and lend myself to her. And i wouldn't care what would she do.
I wouldn't care for 6 days. As on the 7th i hope to....

Sure as she says that i'm in love with her, she chuckles. She doesn't take me seriously.
"Ronery" T_T
No one does. And the worst thing - i have no idea if i'm serious either.

I wish to cry. I wish that my tears will bring me back, but unless they would be tears of blood, they won't.
I am Hypocrit. I wish that every cute girl would flash me should she stop by. I wish that i could grope her and not get a punch in the face. I wish i could land my kiss on her lips, and receive it from her. And i will be happy. For i had my share of her, and i'm ready to put normal mask again.
I... I am a hopeless...
For i hasn't been a horny teenager. nor horny young man as i am now. I guess that should've give me the hint.
I stopped being bright since 5th grade. Even tho i did got better in grade 11.
If only i would've picked the right place to go right away. If only i met Grave when i was less hopeless... If only...
But i stop myself. As i understand, that this won't happen. And never should. Because as time passes, i became more understanding. I'm terrebly slow.
For i have looked back and i know - i was an idiot back then.
I still am, but a little different.

And i think it's save to say, that everything started to change since that evening, few years ago. The day that i personally met Grave, the day that he pierced my childish and naive soul and make it grow up a little.

If only i understood that i should not let myself go that moment. But that thought didn't ocurred to me that time.

I fear, that as much as i laugh on the thought that i, myself, will bring that Power to myself, i wish that I won't be that He, that obtained it from strange person who knew all his life.

She pushes me away, thinking that i just being naughty, for i just being bad. But the reason for me to asking to stay, is because i want to feel her even more. in astral sense or something, aside from the "bad" one.
Sure seeing something that she hides is nice too. But that is not just that. For i feel that there is more, rather, for i accept it for being something much more that it's probably is. I accept things, i don't question their right to be. No more reactions, looks like i lost an important part of my soul or something. For everything is plain to me. Not very much actual happines.

And yes i did liked that we went to some museums, that we had some walks. But even then i almost slipped into my usual trance.
Until she snapped me out of it, not intentionally of course.
When i'm alone, i speak in my own mind. Playing the story of the other world that i desire to enter at some point.
But while i'm with her - there is silence in my head. Unusual silence. And yes i do have fantasies about her, but those aren't complete. And well they rather intimate than fapable.

Sure she can see that i'm gloomy. But when she asks why... I couldn't just say something like - i can't feel most of things for some reason. And i also can't jsut let myself go on you in faint hope to light my mood up, as you just kick me. And hard this time, as i would be senselss...
Of course, right now - nothing that i do or say will change anything. Nothing that i write down will change something, as i rarely visit my diary.
But i....

I beg... I beg the world, it's gods, any other god there is... I beg Mother-Nature that i failed, since i grow up to be such fail... I beg anyone that understands...
Make this go away... Change that's what i asking for... Not the opportunity... The change. It is possible... But i understand my mistakes, am i?

But i easly switch... I minute i'm thinking about suicide (i don't actually) and in a sec i can think about say some hot yuri catgirl orgy.... or ust some funny site.

I wish that we could just mix our souls for a breif moment, but after that... She will hate me. I wouldn't want that... But that would show her what is i am.

You can't see it, nor feel.
You can't give me fear.
I'm calling for lies.
They bring my disquise.

But you standing there, your back is to me.
You hand me the dagger, and strick you foresee.
You smell spilled blood, you cough on it's smell.
As wound in My heart is starting to swell.

You turning around, and blood gushes out.
I gave you my vow, there be no betrayal.
At honor i swore, but same thing again...

You can't see it, nor feel.
You can't give me fear
I'm calling for lies.
They bring my disguies.

Don't want to beleive?
Forget about me!
Accepting, declining, no matter for real.
Existed, not lived, no reason to reel.

D. standing behind me, i feel blade of sythe.
D. smile, enlight me, i'm saying good bye.
And you stand beside me... But...

You can't see it, nor feel.
You can't give me fear
I'm calling for lies.
They bring my disguies.
But suddenly strike.
D. leaves me in light.
You holding my hand.
No dagger's present.
It's all in my head.
It's clear i'm not dead.
You did this to me?
But answer is - We.

There is something... Like a last nail in the coffin.
If i am indeed serious... Will i still have time to chase her? Will i won't be to slow for her? Will i will be able to earn place in her soul, her heart, her mind? Or am i either wrong and my feelings is just misunderstanding, or it will be too late? For i know what happened to Him, and as much as i want to follow His footsteps... I'd rather skip this part. For if that repeats, for if He is a Me... I don't think that this is the best option. Maybe i should just... Let myself go? Stop caring? Take what wanted... And recieve punishment? Recieve torture? Burn in hell? For i sure deserve it... But if i do... What will it be shall The Day or The Night occured? I guess it's the only thing that keeps me on the leash...
Except i'm probably just hoping for simple solution to every of my problems... And there won't be an answer.. Even in the million eyars... For i don't actually live.
And only alive ones can find what they looking for... Can recieve what they have requested. Make their dreams comes true.
As i write this i feel the faint breath in my ear, and smell her. An image of her standing beside me, breathing into my left ear, and smiling thinking how foolish i am.
But... as i turn. There is no one. Just a fantasy.... A hallucination... A mirage... As she won't be there, as she sleeps thinking that i... Or was it other? Either way...
Hereby i conclude this...
I am tired of my masks, my face that no one can see - grows being whiter from all that lack of sunlight... And i just don't care...