Hi everyone! Sorry for a delay, i needed some "warming up". *runs towards the stool*
(Why don't you have a shirt on? It's freezing in here!)
Good question! Believe it or not, one of my fans managed to sneak in my dressing room. And let me tell you - i was surprised.
A second i'm staring at my own reflection, then i heard the squeak of the door, turn around and then She was there. Like a f*cking ninja. She was dressed in black, all tight and sleek. Her mask came off and she was pretty =) Short dark hair, brown eyes. Piercing on her nose.
Well first thing i noticed - girl wasn't wearing a bra. Her nipples were poking thru fabric, and she reminded me of Stripperella. You know that diamond drill in nipples? XD
Anb let me tell ya - these were BIIIG! Like two watermelons. They were like hypnotic, cuz they bounced a little every time she breathed. And gosh she was breathing like a chipmunk in heat.
Second thing that came into my mind - how did she slipped thru guards?
Then she spoke. "Omg i did it i did it! Oh pleeeease don't throw me out of here!"
I answered that i won't, and she like inhaled and froze for a few seconds. I take it she was calming down.
Then she started telling me how great it is that i'm here and all that. And then she asked for my shirt - just like that. She asked me to sign it, and give her.
So i'm thinking "Okay let her have it!" But i have a reputation to protect, so i'm taking my shirt off and the girl was like "Kyaaaaaaa!!!!" *imitating her*
I signed it, and when she reaches towards it - i'm saying - What will you give me in return? You do know that when i'm handing something over to my fans, i always ask for something in return.
And she is like "Oh yeah! But what can i give you?"
I'm giving it a thought and saying while looking her straight in the eyes - Your bra would do.
And that's when the entire universe of this poor girl collapsed.
She grabbed her Sin Cushions (laugh around the stage) hey i'm tired of saying "boobs or tits" all the time. So she grabbing her Flesh Milk Cartons, and her the expression on her face.... Ummm It was priceless, it was expression of old widow that got mated by family doberman while mopping the floor. *shows the expression*
(LOL)
Then she is all like "Baawwwwww" because she realised that she has no bra XD
"Hmmmm, - i said. - Then your panties would do instead."
I'll skip the naked part, but she did had erm Nice Situation - like Dane says XD
We traded and she stormed out. So i'm holding her panties in my hand and i realise - the were soaked. And not in urine that is. (YeaH!)
This was no fish! It smelled like.... like tulips but not Fish!!!
When i was leaving i noticed a bunch of girls, that were having a private conversation with guards. Technically that alone should made them unemployed.
But my policy is "if i want protection from girls - i will hire gays" (laugh)
Now why i didn't put new shirt on? I don't have any! Unfortunatly. You see my clothes are rarely leaving the house. They kinda attached to it. And who am i to separate them. Nah i'm just messing with you - actually i gave most of my shirts to fans. XD
Anyhow. My teachers - not in school of course - teachers in life, taught me a lot. For example - a woman by name Trish - taught me how to make roses out of panties.
(laugh) And man by name of Jake, how to hang on to girls that already hooked up. And i must tell you - even tho i appreciate lessons that he gave me - he was a d*ck! He was an asshole! And it cost him.
You see he was into thing that he called Sandwhich. He hooked up with two girls, both unaware of each other. He dated both over some time. Spend money on 'em, made them feel loved. And one day he made them meet each other and had awesome threesome. (Yeah!)
But one day he messed up. Jake called me and asked for help, apparently one of the girls asked for a meeting, at the same time as the other girl. A photo and adress of that girl was sent to my phone. So i open the photo and immediatly notices something. I play along and meet that girl, excusing my teacher for being unable to meet her in time. And girl was hawt - short brown hair, large blue eyes, long eyelashes, puffy lips, amazingly nice breasts. That even tho were fake - looked real.
And while we talking - i hear low, tender voice, full of passion - full of hawtness.
But as i talk i stare at her, and she asks me "What's wrong honey?"
I raised my eyebrow, and asks bluntly "Is it hard to cover that Adam's apple of yours?" (sigh of a lot of people)
(Sick!)
Nah not yet.
(Very sick!)
Puke after the show please. So "she" start to getting colder towards me, and asks: "When did you noticed?"
"Right away!"
We talked, then talked some more. And she told me how she used to be a girly boy, being bullied at school, etc.
She opened up to me. So i say - Okay - i won't tell Him about You. And just at that moment Jake arrives. I left.
I don't know what happened after that but year later, i got a call from him - an invitation to a club. Trans club.
I guess he got hooked up instead. XD
Now let's back off the sexual and move onto something more close to normal society.
I'm talking about dentists. (LOL)
Oh please! I don't beleive that there isn't a single person in here who doesn't avoid them.
(few hands were raised) Lucky bastards. (LOL)
My country doesn't have Tooth Fairies. As far as i'm conserned. And most people over 30 is known as a victims of BAD dental plan. Refference to such bad plan can be witnessed in many tv series, movies and even books. Truth to be told - it's not all that bad. Now.
But about 20 years ago, and before it was bad. Because of such bad dental, i lost 4 teeth. (Laughs) You may laugh now, but when you get home and look into mirror. You will remember me.
For example - i was 8 years old - and i got major tooth filling - without anestetics. 11 years later this tooth crumbled from inside out - with excruciating pain.
But telling you about my problems is a bad thing - so i move towards juice!
I went to my goood Dentist. She known me since childhood. Tortured me too.
But since i'm a grown-up now - she was nice =)
I'm sitting there in this chair and she keep talking to her assitant. She drills, doing some spelunking in my caveites, and talks a lot.
But the thing is - adressing me, and all other patients she's all - Oh bunny, angel, honey. Your teeth is like a song - with strong language if i may - Oh Madonna - this is her gig btw. Does that hurt? Oh i'm so sorry - i'll be careful.
But when she talks to her assistant she is all - Ughh bitch, stop grinding my leg dumbass, if you give me this shit again - i'll kill you - not that her tone is serious.
You know when in tv series there is always that person - that serves as a comic releif? Some proby - intern and all?
Well there you go! XD
But then, one day i went there and while i was waiting for doctor to get back form girls room - i realised that dental chairs is like a ultra sex bed. Comfortable, under control, and had some perks with whole electric thingy.
If my dentist were a bit younger - i'd probably do her there.
One day i was about to leave, but got a little nature call - so when i finished - another patient went out of room. It was a biiiiig guy - and i meant biig. Like Rock or Shwarcznegger. Big muscles, short hair, squared jaw. But this poor man was crying his eyes out. He hold his teeth, in vain hope of numbing the pain. Half of his face were senseless due anestetics. Tears runing down his face. Poor guy. But what made me even more surprised is the fact that doctor had to change drills...
He was a regular btw. I was lucky to come before him.
There was another regular - a student. And i gotta tell you - he was coming to doc for a while - fixing teeth then cleaning them and all. Until one day i came right after him and noticed that this asshole were stealing medication. I grabbed his hand, we fought - and he nearly screwed up all the work that dentist made - so i well punched him in boy parts - hard. (Owwwwww) yeah.
There was some other teacher. It was a woman that dressed as a man. She was very strict. She taught me how to... cook. But apparantly she had a problem that grew bigger every time i stopped by. And some of girls here know what i'm talking about... *staring into the crowd*
Oh shi- Tiff? Oh! Well some of you know for sure!
She hasn't got laid in about a year. And you can guess what was she hoping to achieve by teaching me. (Yeah! Wooooo!)
Yuppi kay ya yoki! XD
One thing lead to another and - i helped her releve some of that pressure. Without releasing my "inner beast" XD
But she wanted moar. So i called a favor from That boy-girl. Since then her neighbors calling them a lez couple. Phe - amatures.
And a few girls in the crowd - i can see you Tiffani - managed to get this dynamic duo - in their beds. What a shocker did they had. A girl with boy parts.
But as much as it was hard to walk away from that opportunity - another had presented itself.
A friend of mine - gave me a number for some girl - whom he wished to - relocate. It's a guy thing - she was obsessed with whole - You are so nice - i want that ass.
So i met her and we went at the local restaruant. And right there - while hiding underneath the table - she gave me head.
Now i had a fair share of those, if i may. Hell at some point i was basically a practice stand - srsly. Some girls would crave a chance to "practice". And who am i to stop them. But when she got to that - thought that i dipped my root in some heavens soil. Or something.
But this high level - was a bit scary. So i had a little background check on her. And with the results i went to this friend of mine.
We shared our insight on this crazy girl. And then he told me phrase - meaning of which will haunt him down till the end of his life.
He told me - that "Her mouth felt like Heavens Gate!"
(little laughs) Ohh... How sad... No reaction. Okay i will explain.
Apparently he meant that it's like being excited about a trip to heaven without consern for death. Pleasant.
Unfortunatly for him - our pop-star or something - sang this whole "Lips of her's like two valves in heavens gate" and our comedian - told this about it - that first can you imagine how lips should look like to resemble valves in gate? *shows* (ROLF)
And the second thing - which i quoted to him.
"Do you realise how many people must've passed those doors over years and every single day?"
(Whooooooooooow!!!!) (People applauding furiously) Now that's the reaction!
Okay i can see you covering your mouths. But then again we had our share of her abilities. She turned out to be total slut, cautious one, but a slut.
But...
They got married, this year. When i asked - how did you...
My friend told me that - "I like how she tastes" And she told me "His taste is the best, among those i had so far".
That was unsual reason for a marriage. Althought to be fair - they were wearing some latex fullbody suits instead of dress and tux...
Well before i leave this stage - since you got bored, and someone else came up here - i have a little something to add.
1. Don't cheat. As much as you may be willing to - don't. Unless your second half is present =)
2. Protection is important. You may not realise that, but i sure hope you do, but half of the internet filled with millions of people who's parents didn't knew how to use protection. And now Yahoo! filled with questions - why is my butt hurt after i stick a stick in there? Why is my hoo-hoo bleeding after i had sex for the first time - am i gonna die? Why there is a small creatures with hooks, horns and lightsabers crawling in my bush. It makes my hoo-hoo hurt. Why there are school?
And so on and so on.
3. Read something other than blogs. Comics, books, Questionable Content maybe. It's awesome.
4. Do not, i repeat - do not - forget about your private parts doctor.
5. Love should not be dirty. Unless it's between two girls, in the mud. Otherwise - cherish your moments with those who you love. You never know.
6. And last - there are things in this world - that causes battles - either it's Faith or Anger. Be in balance and your life - will be happy and long.
Thank you all! Time to free the stage for the main course! See ya!