You know... Sitting here, I realize that perhaps I should've done some things I wasn't interested in back in the day. Then, perhaps, I would've not felt this way today.
I don't want to go to sleep, even thought it would help me recover faster, because I fear... I fear falling asleep and find myself in the dream. Where everything is better, where I'm not alone, where my grandparents are still alive and I'm a much better person/grandson. Where this no war, no sanctions, no hatred.
And then I will wake up in a cold sweat, and howl because... because to me it's a nightmare. One you don't wake up from out of your free will.
And I will cry, I will regret being still alive in the morning. I will regret my choices in life.
Perhaps it's just my fever that's making me this sappy.
Perhaps this is the epiphany. The point when I realized that this is it - this is the dead end.
Why...